My grandfather was an alcoholic. My father never drank for fear the disease was hereditary, but the wounds cut deep, so deep they affected his entire life and mine. I recently learned that I am eligible to join Al-Anon, a program for families and friends of alcoholics, even if the drinker is deceased.

“The only requirement to become a member of Al-Anon Family Groups is that you have a relative or friend with the problem of alcoholism,” said Nicolette Stevens, information analyst at the Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters in Virginia Beach. The goal of Al-Anon, she explained, is to provide support to individuals and families who are trying to cope with an alcoholic loved one. “Everyone in the family is affected,” she said, “and the influence lasts for generations.”

A HIDDEN PROBLEM

Often the problem is camouflaged, as it was in my family, because there are feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. To overcome this obstacle, Al-Anon provides a safe place for comfort, support, and knowledge. Security is assured because all personal information is kept confidential. As the name Al-Anon indicates, individuals remain anonymous throughout their lives. The organization, based in Virginia Beach, provides support to thousands of members in the United States and Canada and sends assistance to 130 countries with Al-Anon programs.

While alcoholism is pervasive—an estimated 18 million people are affected in the U. S. and Canada—it is usually hidden from view. Sadly, half of Al-Anon members report they have been abused verbally, physically, mentally, and/or sexually. Each alcoholic affects three to four other people, according to the 2009 Al-Anon survey, causing great physical and mental stress. These effects include, in addition to abuse, problems with sleep, inability to focus on tasks, difficulties in school, the absence of trust, and the lack of responsibility.

HELPING CHILDREN

Facing these challenges is difficult, as the founders of Al-Anon came to realize. Lois Wilson and Annie Smith were married to the two men who originated Alcoholics Anonymous. In 1935 they started meeting with other wives in “coffee and cake” groups while their husbands attended AA. Now Al-Anon has grown to include husbands, parents, adult children, brothers, sisters, widows, and widowers. The organization has seen a steady growth. Today it serves at least 26,000 groups with an estimated membership of over 600,000 people worldwide.

While Al-Anon reaches whole families, children have their own special problems.  “Children have much greater emotional burdens than their parents,” Nicolette said. “The adult has more inner reserves to cope with difficult experiences. For kids their world can crash around them when they see Dad drunk, breaking china, and beating Mom.” The entire situation becomes the family secret.

Alateen, a program for teens, began in 1957 by a boy in California whose father was in AA and his mother belonged to Al-Anon. He patterned Alateen after the successful ideas of Al-Anon, such as the Twelve Steps. Under Alateen, young people can grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They learn the facts about alcoholism—that no one can change an alcoholic’s behavior. The choice belongs to the drinker alone, and others are not to blame for the alcoholic’s actions. Through Alateen teens realize they are not alone. Millions of others are going through the same problems.

THE ROLE OF WOMEN

Research by Al-Anon shows that women are the ones who struggle to bring order and balance to their dysfunctional family life, and to accomplish that goal, they need help. “Women are hit especially hard by the effects of alcoholism. Eighty-five percent of Al-Anon members are women,” Nicolette said. “It’s the woman who usually holds the family together.”

Unfortunately, the basic mistake women make when they do seek help is to try to find ways to make their spouse stop drinking. No one can stop the alcoholic except that individual himself. Instead, the kind of assistance the wife needs is for herself. She has to recover from destructive forces such as the loss of income, status, and perhaps even their home. If she does seek and find the correct kind of support, she can protect her children from harm and may, possibly, grant her husband an opportunity for recovery.

“Essentially, the person who aids an alcoholic is an enabler,” Nicolette said. “If he buys alcohol, and I scream and yell and get upset, that behavior prompts the alcoholic to drink more.” The best way to handle negative situations, she advised, is to not react. Cooling down emotions dissipates hostility and allows the enabler’s life to improve.

No one claims the change in role from accommodating the drinker to independent action will be easy. The process will take at least six months or more, and may alienate family and friends, meaning the woman has to stand alone. This is where an Al-Anon group helps. As the wife listens to the stories of other women who face the same struggles, she can sort through her choices and make healthful decisions for her own life. “No one can tell you what to do,” Nicolette said. “Each situation is different, and that’s how group meetings help.”

Group meetings are easy to find and inexpensive. “We are supported by members’ voluntary contributions,” Nicolette explained, “and the sale of our conference-approved literature. Our declaration is ‘When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon and Alateen always be there, and let it begin with me.’”

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters is located at 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway in Virginia Beach. For local meeting information, call 757-499-1443 or visit www.tidewaterasc.org.

Virginia O’Keefe is the author of Speaking To Think/Thinking To Speak: The Importance of Talk in the Learning Process