A Planned Elopement Proves Perfect
The first time my fiancé and I visited the Williamsburg Winery, we met with the wine maker and had an exclusive tour of the cellar—barrels and barrels of French oak containing juice from harvests long ago destined to become some of Virginia’s finest wines. We then toured the winery’s inn, the Wedmore Place, an establishment that echoes the c’est si bon of European living. I knew immediately that this would be the place we’d be married. We wanted a simple wedding for two, a planned elopement wedding—a hybridization that I’m sure you will find inspiring.
Customarily on the day of a wedding, the bride and her maids meet at a spa or salon for some H&M, hair and make-up. I thought about doing that but then quickly realized that I lacked maids. In any case a spa treatment for two sounded much more exciting, which brought my husband-to-be and me to the Williamsburg Salt Spa. The cave, made entirely of salt, provided the ultimate relaxation haven. Lying upon heated floors among 40 tons of salt is a euphoric experience—especially when you realize the health benefits of spending an hour in a salt spa, such as regulating blood pressure, clearing sinuses, and harmonizing your body’s acidity level.
For the second time, driving into Williamsburg Winery and to the entrance of the Wedmore Place, I felt as if I had left the state, even the country. The Old-World feel begins the moment you step out of your car and walk towards its brick façade. Under high ceilings and rich wood, the Wedmore’s hospitality is genuine and makes you feel like a contessa.
Our room, the Venetian, complete with vaulted ceilings, a glowing hearth, and a loft-style bedroom was the backdrop to our ceremony. Many others, I’m sure, have been joined in holy matrimony here. The room itself lends a perfect setting for a small ceremony of 15 or so, complete with a grand entrance for any bride-to-be—a staircase that weaves its way down to the spot where the minister will wish you both the very best in your new life together. Twenty-eight rooms, each named after a province or area in Europe, are individually designed with antiques imported from all over Europe to reflect that region’s culture. I assure that you shall find the chamber that more than fulfills your needs or, at the very least, your visual pleasure.
“Eat, drink, and be merry” is a philosophy deeply instilled at the Wedmore Place and Williamsburg Winery. Their gifted winemaker, Matthew Meyer, together with their inventive executive chef, Tim Westby-Gibson, will ensure a merry experience. Imagine a bold glass of Trianon—a 100% cabernet franc from three distinct vineyards—alongside a sautéed duck leg confit with a port and goat cheese sauce, haricot verts, and butternut squash ravioli. The Café Provencal is a quaint and delicate setting that pays homage to the dainty side of life. Beautiful Toile du Jouy-patterned accented chairs and antiques, dried lavender, and a calm view suggested we’d stumbled into the French countryside, complete with 16th-century charm.
After that weekend, my husband and I left with an everlasting feeling of contentment. It was a blissful time, as though we truly escaped and life stood still for a day. A more perfect wedding I could not fathom. Whether you will be reciting nuptials or not, you will rediscover that joie de vivre that is often left behind in your everyday life when you visit the Williamsburg Winery and the Wedmore Place.
For more information, visit www.williamsburgwinery.com and www.williamsburgsaltsapa.com. Special thanks to Bob Weber, Williamsburg Winery marketing director; Douglas L. Johnson, marriage officiant; Chef Robert Cilizza, Sheraton Norfolk Waterside; Sandy Coburn, Norfolk Wholesale Floral; and Agnieszka Adamska, owner, Williamsburg Salt Spa.
My grandfather was an alcoholic. My father never drank for fear the disease was hereditary, but the wounds cut deep, so deep they affected his entire life and mine. I recently learned that I am eligible to join Al-Anon, a program for families and friends of alcoholics, even if the drinker is deceased.
“The only requirement to become a member of Al-Anon Family Groups is that you have a relative or friend with the problem of alcoholism,” said Nicolette Stevens, information analyst at the Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters in Virginia Beach. The goal of Al-Anon, she explained, is to provide support to individuals and families who are trying to cope with an alcoholic loved one. “Everyone in the family is affected,” she said, “and the influence lasts for generations.”
A HIDDEN PROBLEM
Often the problem is camouflaged, as it was in my family, because there are feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment. To overcome this obstacle, Al-Anon provides a safe place for comfort, support, and knowledge. Security is assured because all personal information is kept confidential. As the name Al-Anon indicates, individuals remain anonymous throughout their lives. The organization, based in Virginia Beach, provides support to thousands of members in the United States and Canada and sends assistance to 130 countries with Al-Anon programs.
While alcoholism is pervasive—an estimated 18 million people are affected in the U. S. and Canada—it is usually hidden from view. Sadly, half of Al-Anon members report they have been abused verbally, physically, mentally, and/or sexually. Each alcoholic affects three to four other people, according to the 2009 Al-Anon survey, causing great physical and mental stress. These effects include, in addition to abuse, problems with sleep, inability to focus on tasks, difficulties in school, the absence of trust, and the lack of responsibility.
HELPING CHILDREN
Facing these challenges is difficult, as the founders of Al-Anon came to realize. Lois Wilson and Annie Smith were married to the two men who originated Alcoholics Anonymous. In 1935 they started meeting with other wives in “coffee and cake” groups while their husbands attended AA. Now Al-Anon has grown to include husbands, parents, adult children, brothers, sisters, widows, and widowers. The organization has seen a steady growth. Today it serves at least 26,000 groups with an estimated membership of over 600,000 people worldwide.
While Al-Anon reaches whole families, children have their own special problems. “Children have much greater emotional burdens than their parents,” Nicolette said. “The adult has more inner reserves to cope with difficult experiences. For kids their world can crash around them when they see Dad drunk, breaking china, and beating Mom.” The entire situation becomes the family secret.
Alateen, a program for teens, began in 1957 by a boy in California whose father was in AA and his mother belonged to Al-Anon. He patterned Alateen after the successful ideas of Al-Anon, such as the Twelve Steps. Under Alateen, young people can grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They learn the facts about alcoholism—that no one can change an alcoholic’s behavior. The choice belongs to the drinker alone, and others are not to blame for the alcoholic’s actions. Through Alateen teens realize they are not alone. Millions of others are going through the same problems.
THE ROLE OF WOMEN
Research by Al-Anon shows that women are the ones who struggle to bring order and balance to their dysfunctional family life, and to accomplish that goal, they need help. “Women are hit especially hard by the effects of alcoholism. Eighty-five percent of Al-Anon members are women,” Nicolette said. “It’s the woman who usually holds the family together.”
Unfortunately, the basic mistake women make when they do seek help is to try to find ways to make their spouse stop drinking. No one can stop the alcoholic except that individual himself. Instead, the kind of assistance the wife needs is for herself. She has to recover from destructive forces such as the loss of income, status, and perhaps even their home. If she does seek and find the correct kind of support, she can protect her children from harm and may, possibly, grant her husband an opportunity for recovery.
“Essentially, the person who aids an alcoholic is an enabler,” Nicolette said. “If he buys alcohol, and I scream and yell and get upset, that behavior prompts the alcoholic to drink more.” The best way to handle negative situations, she advised, is to not react. Cooling down emotions dissipates hostility and allows the enabler’s life to improve.
No one claims the change in role from accommodating the drinker to independent action will be easy. The process will take at least six months or more, and may alienate family and friends, meaning the woman has to stand alone. This is where an Al-Anon group helps. As the wife listens to the stories of other women who face the same struggles, she can sort through her choices and make healthful decisions for her own life. “No one can tell you what to do,” Nicolette said. “Each situation is different, and that’s how group meetings help.”
Group meetings are easy to find and inexpensive. “We are supported by members’ voluntary contributions,” Nicolette explained, “and the sale of our conference-approved literature. Our declaration is ‘When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon and Alateen always be there, and let it begin with me.’”
Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters is located at 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway in Virginia Beach. For local meeting information, call 757-499-1443 or visit www.tidewaterasc.org.
Virginia O’Keefe is the author of Speaking To Think/Thinking To Speak: The Importance of Talk in the Learning Process
When Jacki Paolella moved from New Jersey to attend college at ODU, she didn’t have a car, but she had a bicycle. Riding her bike on campus gave her independence as she cycled to classes and band practices with her keyboard and book bag strapped to her back. Her friend, Ashley Berkman, a California transplant, had pedaled to and from the parking lot as an employee at Disneyworld and didn’t think of herself as athletic. But three years ago, when Jacki and Ashley met a Midwesterner passing through Norfolk on his round-the-world biking tour, that chance meeting opened their eyes to a new possibility: the bicycle could be a mode for adventure, transportation, community building, and changing the world.
May is National Bicycle Month. With weather just right for outdoor sports and activities, women in Tidewater are strapping on their helmets, slipping on their gloves, and cycling everywhere—from suburban bike shops to the Dismal Swamp, in races all over the East Coast, with stories to tell and an open invitation to all. Bicycling is one of the easiest ways to get exercise and fresh air, make new friends, and experience life up close and natural.
CYCLING FOR CHANGE
When Jacki and Ashley started taking longer bike rides with a non-profit called Bike Virginia, they became inspired to use their bikes to see other parts of the state, as well as to help others. After their ride on the “Crooked Road” tour of Southwestern Virginia, Ashley says they were hooked.
“All the Bike Virginia rides are fundraising events,” Jacki explained. “You pay a small fee to be included in the food, support, and rest stops, and you help them with their cause, which is safe biking for kids and better biking awareness.”
On the Bike Virginia tours, Ashley and Jacki were among the youngest cyclists—with many of the participants in their 50s and 60s and in much better shape than these two twenty-somethings.
“These were seasoned cyclists, retired people, who had lots of time to train all year—but I don’t think you have to be one to enjoy this,” Jacki said.
In December 2008, Ashley learned about a greater challenge, Bike and Build, a program designed for young people between the ages of 18 and 25, combining cross-country cycling and volunteering with building and bike education projects. Ashley had just turned 25, so the trip would have to happen the summer of 2009. Joining the trip required a four-month stretch and a commitment to raise $4000 each in funding for affordable housing.
“It was pretty complicated,” Jacki explained. “We had to give up our jobs, give up our housing, and convince our parents we weren’t crazy.” “And at the time, all the trips were full,” said Ashley, “but I thought there was a reason I found out about it. So we went ahead and applied.”
The women got physicals and wrote essays and committed to accumulate 500 miles before their trip—with at least one ride over 70 miles. They contributed sweat equity, working on a Women’s Build project in Winchester and a demolition site in Petersburg.
The Southern U.S. Bike and Build ‘09 route stretched from Jacksonville, Florida, to San Francisco. Jacki and Ashley set off on new, elite cycles designed for women, quite a change from their vintage Raleigh road bikes. Riding at least 8 hours a day meant discomfort became routine.
“If your butt stops hurting, then your knees or hands start hurting, but it becomes part of life and you don’t really notice it any more,” Jacki said. “Your tolerance for being uncomfortable changes completely.”
“It was a really demanding thing,” agreed Ashley. “You’re so far away from home. There’s no privacy. You’re in a communal environment with so much to see and so much going on.”
Ashley said that most riders on the trip came to one breakdown moment, which actually became a breakthrough. “One day in Nevada, we had been on a long, long hill all day. I could see the top,” Ashley shared. “We had been bothered by an aggressive RV that started trying to run us off the road—and I just had to get off my bike and cry. But you can’t quit. You’re with 32 other riders. You’ve made a commitment.”
Despite the challenges, Ashley, Jacki, and their team completed Bike and Build, jumping into the chilly waters of San Francisco Bay, thousands of miles from the warm Atlantic Ocean. They made great new friends, worked on Habitat projects, and conquered their own fears. In the process, they also filmed their trip, funded with $700 in seed money from a student grant at ODU. On March 27th, Jacki and Ashley’s documentary, titled “Bike and Build: Be the Change” won top honors in ODU’s Student Film Festival.
THROUGH THE YEARS
While Jacki and Ashley have met an important cycling goal in their 20s, some women ride through their changing years, becoming energized senior riders with great attitudes and healthy bodies. Carole Taylor, 65, and her friend Pat Byrne, 79, are active members of the Tidewater Bicycle Association, a long-time club for riders of all levels and ages. TBA is dedicated to teaching bike safety and offers rides every day of the week, many of which start at local bike shops.
Carole is a fit, enthusiastic, retired kindergarten teacher, who served as education chairperson for TBA for twelve years and as the president from ’94-’97. After completing more than a dozen Bike Virginia trips, Carole completed a cross-country ride from Seattle to Rehobeth Beach, Delaware, at the age of 58. She is an avid cyclist, urging other women to get pedaling. She rides several times a week, often 20-25 miles at a time in the winter, but now that the spring is here, she’s planning 30-50 mile rides.
“People think that’s a lot,” said Carole with a lingering New York accent, “but I always say, if you can ride 10 miles, you can ride 20. You just have to know you can do it. It’s not that you can’t do it; you have to know you can!”
“And it’s not worth taking the bike out if you’re not going to go at least 20 miles,” Pat added.
A lifelong lover of exercise and sports, Carole has been riding with her friend and various club members for many years. Pat, who says she was never a competitive athlete, affirms part of her motivation: riding keeps her healthy and her weight in check. “We often say we ride to eat!” Pat said, laughing.
“Riding a bicycle burns about 400 calories an hour, and it’s great for cardio exercise,” Carole said. “You know, after people have a heart attack, they often put them on a stationary bike in the hospital, and it’s not so stressful on the knees and joints.”
Carole and Pat are “C pace” riders, clocking about 13-15 miles per hour. But Carole also enjoys riding with absolute beginners to encourage them in the sport and in safety. She is a fierce advocate for helmets.
“On TBA Club rides, you are not allowed to go without a helmet,” Carole said. “In Europe, they don’t always wear them because cyclists are more respected there. But any doctor in an emergency room will tell you how important they are.”
As enjoyable as it is to ride alone or with another person, Carole says being on club rides helps people pay attention to traffic, riding with the flow of the cars instead of against them, as many bike riders learned in earlier times.
This month, the TBA celebrates the 34th annual Knotts Island Century ride on May 15. Riders can take their pick of a 32-, 64-, or 100-mile ride—with all riders enjoying a post-ride dinner, police support, stocked rest stops, and the joy of exploring the country roads through Chesapeake and around Currituck Sound.
And if that sounds a little too much, Carole suggested the Wednesday morning rides along the Dismal Swamp Canal, organized by TBA’s Y.E.S. group: Young Energetic Seniors.
“It’s on the old Route 17 and one of the safest rides in Hampton Roads,” she said. “Most of the time that ride is from 16-40 miles, depending on the wind and the weather.” “And we have lunch after!” added Pat.
Cycling, friendship, exercise, and food—who could ask for more?
THE THRILL OF COMPETITION
Some cyclists love the thrill of competition and the satisfaction of winning. One of racing cyclist Emily Joyner’s favorite moments on a bike happened on a steep hill not far from her family’s home in Gettysburg, Pa. Her two sisters got in the habit of stopping halfway up, but Emily had a plan.
“I would always ride as far as I could,” she explained. “It was this incredible goal for me to get to the top. And I remember the time I got there. I never wanted to get off my bike.”
In her college days, Emily says she was “one of the only girls on a bike at Radford,” where she challenged herself, timing her routes to and from classes. She enjoyed seeing how fast she could get around.
These days, 29-year old Emily—married, the mother of a 3-year-old boy, and a full-time math teacher in Northampton County—pushes herself in a different way with a brand new team of racing women cyclists, sponsored by Virginia Asset Group. The weekend after Easter, she came in first in a 350-meter street sprint in a race known as “The Rock Hill Omnium” in Rock Hill, South Carolina. On April 3, Emily came in 2nd in her group in the Downtown Smithfield Hammer Fest, and she’s gaining speed and confidence with every race.
“I started riding with [bicycle] shop groups after college, and I’d ride a little further and faster each time,” she said. “Then one Tuesday night, I went to watch a women’s race, and I thought, ‘I could do that.’”
At the time she started racing, there were very few women in Tidewater to mentor her, so Emily joined an elite club in Richmond led by Emily Helmboldt, a strong cyclist who helped her discover what she could do on a bike.
“I would have never thought to push myself as hard as I did without seeing where she was and having her show me the ropes,” she said. Last fall, Emily decided to create a team here in Virginia Beach, supported by Bike Beat, a bike shop with locations at Hilltop and Kempsville in Va. Beach.
“My goal is to do that for women in this area—to set goals, promote cycling, and meet those goals with other women,” she said. “Eventually, I want to have at least six riders in the developmental program and six in the elite program.”
Emily mentioned the importance of eye protection for racers, along with essential gear. “One time when I was riding without sun glasses, I was hit in the eye, and I couldn’t see out of it for the next ten miles,” Emily said. “And the gloves are important, not only for your grip, but if you do take a spill, they protect your hands from road rash.”
Emily has great support from her husband, Steven, who’s a U.S.A. Cycling Certified coach for her team. Their 3-year-old son, Bruce Joyner, newly empowered by his ability to manage a bicycle with training wheels, says proudly, “I’m a racer, Mama!” Emily’s forward motion as a racing cyclist draws her family and fans to races and brings more attention to professional women’s cycling in Tidewater.
At the turn of the last century, when women were seeking the right to vote, riding a bicycle was synonymous with being daring and bold, like bobbing your hair. Maybe as this new century rolls on, getting back on a bike could be the best new habit to add to your life.
For more info:
• Bike and Build - bikeandbuild.org
• Bike Virginia - bikevirginia.org
• Tidewater Bicycle Association - tbarides.org
• To see Jacki and Ashley’s film, go to vimeo.com and search for Bike and Build: Be the Change.
• To follow Emily Joyner’s team, visit tradewindsracing.blogspot.com
Kathleen Fogarty is a frequent contributor to Tidewater Women. She lives on a farm in Virginia Beach.
© 2011 Tidewater Women Magazine. | 3065 Mansfield Lane Virginia Beach, VA 23457 | Ph: 757-204-4688 OR Fax: 757 401-6469
Contact the Publisher | Please review our Terms of Use | Website design & hosting by: KAR STUDIOS