It’s never something you can prepare for. Death just happens sometimes. Finding a loved one who has passed away at home is one of those worst-case scenarios that can occur without warning. If this happens to you, your emotions will likely take over and practical questions will fly right out of the window. Do you call 911 or the doctor? Where do you tell them to take the body? Do you find the will first or call the funeral home?

Take a breath and settle in. And realize that that as a woman, you will probably be the one upon whom everyone relies at the death of a loved one. Even if the worst-case scenario does not occur, you will likely still be in charge following the death of a family member.

While reeling with the shock and numbness accompanying even an expected death, you will have to make critical financial and emotional decisions. In the scramble to handle these details, you want to do your best to avoid wrong choices, spend money needlessly, or cause undue stress for yourself and others.

There is a way out of this situation, and it’s called “pre-planning.” I’m not talking about going to a funeral home, opening your checkbook, and handing over the decision process. I’m talking about taking charge of yourself and your family by planning for your death while you are alive. Breathe one more time.

The best parting gift you and your loved ones can give each other is a road map so those left behind can make informed decisions and spend their time and energy on the things that truly matter. This is just simply the right and proper thing to do.

If you are considering taking this important step and would like to create a final exit plan, there are several questions you should answer before making your plans.

• Are you traditional, a free spirit, or somewhere in between? Your answer will guide you to either having your funeral ceremony at a church with hymns and a sermon or in Stockley Gardens at sunrise with a poetry reading. Your answer will also tell you if you want to have a burial in a churchyard, a green burial in a wooded lot, or have your ashes shot out of a potato gun off the Lesner Bridge.

• How much money do you want to spend? The average cost of a traditional funeral today is $9,500, and that does not include the cemetery plot. Direct cremation in the Tidewater area can cost as little as $350, and then you can have a memorial service at the venue of your choice. We are talking about spending versus saving a lot of money here. Personally I want to use my money for the reception and hire Lewis McGehee to play Beatles songs.

• Are you concerned with the comfort of family and friends? Some people will be fine with the unusual while others may need a familiar ceremony to find closure. Does this matter to you? After all, you might want to make a statement and add some sass to your final farewell by renting the Naro for a slide-show memorial service. On the other hand, if you feel that a traditional farewell will comfort those left behind, go ahead and choose the old Cavalier Hotel for a reception.

Answering  these general questions will help you as you make your exit plan, including whether to choose a traditional or green burial or cremation and scattering of ashes; selecting the songs and readings you want included in your service; picking who will officiate at your service, composing what you want in your obituary and on your grave marker, and so forth.

You can approach this topic with your family by referring to a recent death in the news or death that has touched you both. Michael Jackson’s 14-karat gold plated $25,000 casket is always a good place to start. Personally I’ve found that people say they don’t want to talk about the subject, but when I bring it up, I can’t get them to hush.

You didn’t think there were that many decisions to make, did you? There certainly are. So go ahead and get started. How about having your ashes scattered in the Chesapeake Bay by hot air balloon, a ceremony at dawn at 90th street with a reception held on the Spirit of Norfolk?

And by the way, if the worst-case scenario happens, here’s what you should do. With a sudden death at home, call 911. The paramedics will notify the police and the coroner. With a death at home that is expected, call your doctor. He will make

the other calls. If the deceased has been under home-based hospice care, call the hospice organization.

Making your exit plan will help others during a difficult time. It can be a lasting gift to those around you.

Karen Jones is the author of Death for Beginners Your No-Nonsense, Money-Saving Guide to Planning for the Inevitable. She currently holds workshops on planning for death at hospitals, care facilities, and other venues. Jones has authored Kingdom of Hearts and Up the Bestseller Lists, is a broadcast journalist at WVEC TV-13, has taught writing courses at universities and colleges, and currently teaches writing camps on Ocracoke Island, NC. Visit www.deathforbeginners.com for more information.