For years I did myself a huge disservice without realizing it. I would occasionally get myself into relationships and friendships that at times just weren’t satisfying, but I thought that was just the way things were and the way the world turned. Sometimes I’d find myself unsettled, unhappy, and upset after interactions with these people. I found that when I questioned myself about the behavior of these people, some part of me would always say, “But they have so many good qualities.”

What I was saying to myself was that even though they ignored my boundaries, offered up sly insults, were unreliable, and upset me, it was OK because “they have so many good qualities.” I asked myself, “You don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water, do you? You’re supposed to put up with the bad stuff to get to the good stuff, aren’t you?” I told myself, “Don’t be so judgmental. You are being too sensitive. Have patience. You’re too thin skinned.” I was spending so much time honoring the other person, I was neglecting to honor myself.

I’ve since come to realize that if you have to justify anyone’s behavior to yourself by saying “but they have so many good qualities,” you’re letting yourself in for a situation that you very well may not enjoy.

Eventually, I started paying attention, really paying attention, to how I felt after I had interactions with certain people. Sometimes how we feel is so subtle that we hardly notice our feelings. They just run away with us, and we find ourselves upset and take the responsibility for it ourselves. This was a huge key for me, to start noticing how I felt, and it gave me the information I needed to start making better decisions.

Often we think we have no choice in our companions. They are, perhaps, our co-workers, neighbors, and dare I say even family? However, they are in our lives for a reason, and every interaction we have with another is there to teach us something. If we look up one day and see that we are unhappy with certain relationships, then we need to do something about it. And it’s simple—simple but sometimes not easy. You just have to be willing to ease away and to stop tolerating behaviors that make you uncomfortable. We may have to be willing to spend time alone, and that can be scary. But if we want to make room in our lives for relationships that fit us better, we have to create space for them. The universe abhors a vacuum I’ve heard, so most likely the space won’t be empty for long.

Having relationships that feel good necessitates being totally honest with ourselves. Sometimes we get into relationships we know are bad for us, but they may be exciting, or colorful, or prestigious, so we feel that it’s worth putting up with things that make us feel bad. It’s not.

We also need to realize that other people might feel the same way about us. It’s merely that our personalities, lifestyles, and paths are not compatible and that do not match. For example, some folks who like to yell and scream enjoy other folks who like to yell and scream. That’s their way of communication. Some folks like rushing around at the last minute; it makes life seem more exciting to them.  We are all so different, and there are many people out there to choose from. The thing is it’s not about the other people. It’s about us and setting our boundaries. We need to let others know what our boundaries are because if others don’t know, they will continually cross them, often unintentionally, because we haven’t told them what was acceptable. 

That’s why I say to give yourself a break and don’t be so hard on yourself. Surround yourself with those who make you feel good about life, about yourself, folks that bring a smile to your face when you think about them. If you find there’s a person who doesn’t make you feel so good and you can’t wish them well and on their way immediately, at least limit your exposure and eventually you will find that there are more and more people in your life who make you feel great.

Sherry Kulakowski lives and works in Virginia Beach. You can reach her at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .