Think you have the “sex talk” figured out? Since the beginning of time, parents have been responsible for providing adequate sex education to their children. Although the school systems help, we understand that some points need to be further emphasized, while others must be addressed solely within the comfort of home. Research shows that many mothers are nervous about sitting down and having “the talk.” To make matters worse, most influences—social media, peers, environments, etc.—stimulate our youths’ interest in sex, forcing us to have these conversations earlier than planned.

It is perfectly normal to feel embarrassed about this task, but we must develop a game plan in order to provide information to our children before they are misinformed or ill-advised.

First, it may help you relax to know we no longer need to prepare a one-time lecture about sex. In the past we considered “the talk” a coming-of-age occasion, a kind of hit-or-miss dialogue. Trying to prepare for such a critical discourse can be exhausting, naturally creating anxiety. Recent research shows, however, that it is not only easier for parents, but also more beneficial for children to have an ongoing discussion about sex.

With this as a foundation, you will be more comfortable when speaking to your children. You should not panic through the conversation, mentally listing all the topics that must be covered. Currently many parents make mental notes about including the following points during our talks: 1) delineation of anatomy and reproduction; 2) sexual intercourse and pregnancy; 3) birth control; 4) certain aspects of sexual behavior, such as oral sex, masturbation, and petting; 5) sexual orientation; 6) the physical and emotional aspects of sex; 7) self-image and peer pressure; 8) sexually transmitted diseases; 9) rape; and 10) examples to illustrate risky, social behavior.

Though nervous, we understand the importance of this conversation, masking our anxieties and plastering on an essence of openness. But, just look at that list! It is incredibly long and entirely too much to cover in one sit down.

So, space it out, Mom!

Feel comfortable knowing that children feel closer to parents who communicate with them frequently about sex. Studies have shown that the repetition helps families achieve both open discussions and tighter, familial units.

With this new approach, parents no longer need to get so worked up over “the talk,” as it is more constructive to have several, small dialogues. It is important to understand that sex represents a huge portion of your child’s life. Whether is it discussing it at lunch, sneaking peeks on inappropriate channels, or seeking a partner to explore curiosities, our children are sexually aware. So we as parents must listen to them, gently steering their interests into healthy knowledge.

When talking with them, try not to be shocked or judgmental if you hear surprising, personal facts. This is common, yet it tends to throw parents off their rocking chair. You need to process your child’s comments, and if you can not think of a healthy way to respond, remember that your conversation does not end simply because you and the child part ways. You have time to go away, think about what was said, and come back to address your concerns in a healthy manner.

Ultimately, my advice as a clinical therapist be would to not wait until your child is in his or her tweens (11-14) to sit down and talk. And if you have, be more prepared for alarming comments, yet understand that your response can either help or hinder your child’s future success in sex education. Allow them a platform on which to speak, so that you comprehend their perspective. After you grasp their take on these issues, then you educate.

Here are seven critical “sex talk” tips for your conversations over the years. I do hope they help you along this journey.

1. Create Natural Moments for Sex Talks. Look for teaching opportunities to speak to your children about sex (e.g. love scenes in movies or books, or while on the beach as a couple walks by), instead of sitting them down at the kitchen table and saying, “OK, Peter. It’s that time…” By doing the latter you will build reservation and tension. This is not a healthy foundation when seeking an open, non-confrontational dialogue.

2. Be Direct. As a parent, you have a number of perspectives on what your child should be sexually experiencing at her age, if anything at all. Openly discuss your expectations of where she should be and allow her to speak about her own curiosities and desires. Talk about both sides of each issue: the pros, the cons. Together, you and your child will map it out. And, this way, you stay in the loop!

3. Be Specific. If your child asks you a question, answer. Remember, if they can’t get a straight answer from you, they will get it from someone else. The point is to build your relationship and trust. Use words that your child can comprehend and explain. It is better that they get correct information from you than erroneous facts from peers.

4. Listen. Now is not the time to lecture, Mom. Nor is it time to cut your child off mid-sentence. When he speaks, listen. To make sure you understand his sentiments, try explaining his comments in your own words. This will help you as you work to correct misperceptions or educate your child towards healthier choices.

5. Anticipate Indifference. Because they are just as embarrassed as you are, children sometimes set up a tone of indifference to thwart a deep discussion. Be prepared for this and work to keep the mood light until they feel comfortable letting their guard down.

6. Teach. First and foremost, these talks are to teach our children healthy, sexual behaviors. While books can be informative (and an excellent lesson tool), a child needs to have face-to-face discussions about sex with his or her parent. After you have listened and comprehended your child’s side of things, take the time to educate on some of the topics from that long list above. Remember, we are not in a rush to hit all the points in one evening. Mentally pick a couple (e.g. self-image and peer pressure) and discuss them. Truthfully, you could work these into your discussion without ever labeling your topic. Maybe you start by telling a story where you struggled with peer pressure or sexual pressure? Be creative.

7. Don’t Stop Teaching. As stated before, this is not a coming-of-age occasion. This “talk” should not take place once or twice and then get tossed into a wastebasket. It should be a continuous dialogue—one that starts early and never ends. If you think about it, although we hardly mention the word “sex,” we begin our sex education sessions as early as toddlerhood. We explain how critical it is to keep your hands to yourself, to respect others. We talk about anatomy and appropriate social behaviors. Trust me, it is easier to lay the foundation at this age. Just remember to never stop teaching. Refuse to let a gap form that may cause anxiety when it’s necessary to speak openly with your child.

Start early. Don’t stop.

Mimi Ferebee, editor of RED OCHRE PRESS, is a Virginian author. Read her “Exploration of African American Financial Insecurity and its Impact on Psychological Development” (Psychedelic Literature, Fall 2011). Visit her and the press at www.redochrelit.com.