There’s an increasing sense that the current generation of kids is growing up selfish…maybe too selfish. It’s not unusual to hear, “When can I get the next video game?” or, “I want to eat here, not there,” or worse, “I’m not going to eat this,” when you’ve just finished cooking a lovely meal for your family. Many kids also seem to lack gratitude, are reluctant to help out, or don’t demonstrate thought for others. Yes, kids today are undeniably more “me” focused, but according to author Todd Patkin, it’s not all their fault. We—their parents, teachers, mentors, and community members—aren’t cultivating them to be a very thoughtful generation.

“I don’t believe that kids are acting selfishly because they don’t want to help—it’s more that they aren’t really sure how to help others and give back because they aren’t being taught,” said Patkin, author of the new book Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In. “It’s crucial for adults—especially those of us who are parents—to start early when it comes to raising our kids with a passion for philanthropy.”

“Kids need to be guided in a positive direction, and that starts in the home,” Patkin continued. “Parents are the greatest influencers when it comes to developing their kids’ habits and behaviors—including cultivating a desire to give and to help others. If they see you giving back as a part of your regular life, they’ll learn that behavior and carry it with them into adulthood.”

Ready to help your child take the first steps from selfishness to selflessness? Then read on for a few ways that parents can get their children geared up for giving back:

• Explain philanthropy to your kids. It’s important to help them realize that giving back doesn’t just mean donating money and that generosity is not limited to giving away things you no longer want. When kids are young, start with the very basics of why it’s important to give. For example, you might ask them, “If you did not have enough food to eat or warm clothes to wear on a cold day, wouldn’t you want someone (even if you did not know them) to help you so you got the food and warmth you needed?”

• It’s never too early to start. Empathy is a concept that children can learn from a very early age, so look for and take advantage of teachable moments. You can start with something as basic as encouraging small children to share with one another. Ask them to consider how they’d feel if they didn’t have a toy and how their feelings would change if a friend gave them one.

• Make it a part of everyday life. Since parents need to model good behaviors, you’ll need to walk the talk that you’re giving to your kids. If you’re grocery shopping with your children, for example, buy an extra bag of pet food and drop it off at the humane society on the way home. Then encourage your kids to be giving during their own everyday tasks, whether that means sharing art supplies or helping clean up.

• Get kids involved in the process. The more you let your children become involved, the more they’ll be invested in what you’re doing. Bring your kids in from the beginning by allowing them to help choose which organizations the family volunteers for or donates to. They’ll feel more connected to the cause, and even the youngest members can be involved, even if it just means tagging along.

• Reinforce the value of a random act of kindness. Giving back is not always about a charity organization, a monetary donation, or volunteering—in other words, things you schedule. Kids need to understand that having a heart for others, at its core, is a way of life, not a series of appointments on your calendar. Show them that helping someone else and not expecting anything in return can happen anytime, anywhere. In fact, it’s often the small everyday acts that give us the biggest returns in terms of fulfillment and happiness.

• Explain that philanthropy is not one-size-fits-all. It’s important to tailor philanthropic work to a child’s personality and interests. For example, you wouldn’t take your daughter to the animal shelter if she were afraid of dogs. Talk with your child about how different people and situations have different needs. Some might want a hot meal while others may want someone to listen to their problems. Some places need clothes while others benefit more from monetary donations, and so on. Help her to understand why it’s important for her to match her talents, passions, and beliefs to these needs.

• There’s no substitute for real-world experience. Encouraging your kids to earmark a percentage of their allowances or donate some of their toys to charity is a good start—but don’t stop there. If your children can see where their donations are going and how they’re actually helping others, the giving experience will be much more real. Consider taking a family trip to visit recipient organizations so that your children can see where the money goes.

• Make it a family affair. When you give back as a family, your kids will see Mom and Dad as role models. Bonus: You’ll all grow closer to each other because of this shared experience. Commit as a family to spend two days per month working with a charity or doing something to help others—even if that just means helping out elderly neighbors or volunteering at the church yard sale. You might also work together to raise money for a walk, fundraiser, or other project, then walk together on race day, or go together as a family to present the money you’ve raised.

• Help your kids to focus on how good it feels to give back. Everyone likes to feel good, and kids are certainly no exception! When they feel good about something, they—like you—will want to do it again. • Make sure that your expectations are realistic. At the end of the day, kids are still kids. You can’t expect them to always want to donate their toys or to be able to sit still through every presentation. Be conscious of your children’s ages and capabilities, and keep in mind that your budding philanthropists are still kids.

“Ultimately, raising children who understand the value of giving back is one of the most philanthropically minded things parents can do,” Patkin concluded. “Teaching your children to be selfless, empathetic, and generous is every bit as important from a philanthropic point of view as donating your own time and money. And from a parental point of view, you’ll be amazed at how rewarding it is to raise charitable children and how much stronger giving back makes your relationship with your kids.” 

Todd Patkin is the author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press), which is available at bookstores nationwide, from major online booksellers, and at www.toddpatkin.com.