It was the day after my husband had been released from the hospital following back surgery. Still in pain and under sedation, he did not wish to see or talk to anyone. Weary from worry and caring for him, I, too, was looking forward to quiet and rest.

Then the doorbell rang. I opened the door to find five people with their mouths wide open. “Surprise!” There stood our relatives from another city with their three children. “We came to cheer you up!”

I staggered back from the open door in shock. Thoughts tumbled helter-skelter through my mind. Did I have to invite them in? Were they planning to stay overnight? (They had driven from two and a half hours away.)

I did invite them in. What else could I do? They quieted down after I told them of my husband’s condition. They visited with him briefly (but not the children). It was good, after all, to see them, and they left after a few hours.

The relatives came with the best intentions, but never having been through serious illness, fortunately for them, they had no comprehension of what we were going through. A little forethought, certainly a telephone call before planning their trip, would have saved a lot of stress.

By calling ahead, they could have planned to visit at a time that was good for both of us. They would have been truly welcomed, and their kind intentions would have been more appreciated.

Of course, you would like to visit a family member or friend who is ill or recuperating. Before you do, ascertain whether the patient is up to receiving visits, or even phone calls. Find out what is the best time of day. There may be periods when the invalid rests or receives treatment. For hospital patients, groups of more than two people can be tiring. And don’t stay too long. Fifteen or twenty minutes is good. Longer can be a strain. When the patient returns home, a longer visit may be welcome, but be sensitive to signs of fatigue. Ask if there might be any little service you can perform: bring in the mail or the newspaper, water the plants.

Phone calls assure the sick person he or she is not forgotten and help while away a weary day. Time your calls to avoid the early morning activities of preparing the patient for the day—bathing, medication, mealtimes—and not too late in the evening.

A friend told me of being awakened once by a call at 10 o’clock at night, while recovering from an illness. “I called to see how you are feeling,” the caller chirped. When my friend said she had been asleep and asked why the caller phoned a sick person at such an hour, the caller said airily, “Well, I know you’re always up late.” Maybe under normal circumstances, but not when recovering from an illness—whether it’s an operation or a two-day stomach bug.

Whether visiting or calling, keep your conversation encouraging and optimistic. No tales of Aunt Matilda who had the same type of surgery on her elbow and couldn’t raise her arm for six months.

When a patient is housebound, flowers and plants introduce cheer, color, and a breath of the outdoors. A gift of flowers lets the patient know the sender is thinking of him or her. Beware of the following examples: an arrangement so large, the only place it can fit is the reception desk in the lobby; strong-smelling blossoms that are overwhelming in a sickroom; plants that need constant care. Avoid sending heavy arrangements in fancy containers to the patient’s home. During an illness, neither the patient nor the caretaker has the time nor the energy to handle them.

Should you help with food or meals? First, find out if there are any dietary restrictions. Heavy, spicy, rich foods—all are a no-no. A casserole that can save one night’s dinner preparation, simple cookies, and snacks—these will be appreciated. When it’s your turn, you can be sure your family and friends will reciprocate.

You can be sure too that some of them—with the best intentions—will send a humongous bouquet better suited for a banquet hall or show up just as you collapse into bed, exhausted after your first rehab exercises. 

Joan Strauss, former assistant managing editor of the Germantown, Pa. Courier, writes fiction, biography, and verse for children’s magazines. She teaches writing at Va. Beach Adult Learning Center.