My mother tells me all the time that I would forget my head if it weren’t attached. When most people say this, you would assume they’re only kidding. When my mom says it, she is dead serious. If, in some alternate universe, our body parts were detachable, I can only imagine the number of places in which I would forget my poor head. Not only am I scatterbrained, but I have a very short attention span. While writing this paragraph, I have already managed to distract myself three times. Once, to eat a cookie, the second time, to shop online for shoes that I can’t afford and the third time, to wage a war against a fly that landed on my keyboard (he won). Needless to say, it takes me a considerable amount of time to get literally anything done. It really is tough being me sometimes.
I am not the only one with this problem. However, I am a firm believer that I am a part of the upper percentile of these forgetful few. “The severely absentminded” I shall call us. Not convinced yet?
The other day I was driving to California Pizza Kitchen when I felt something poking me in the derriere. I assumed that it was my cell phone and continued driving. Later when I reached for my cell I found a fork instead. Yes, a fork. See, a few hours earlier I had popped in a Lean Cuisine Pizza in the microwave. In anticipation I stuck a fork in my pocket (just go with it). While it was cooking, I remembered that my mother had been nagging me to clean my room. After deciding to be proactive, I set out to use my two minutes and 20 seconds to do a bit of light cleaning. Unfortunately, my room was messy. Naturally, after a couple hours, I became hungry. After discovering that I had a seemingly random craving for pizza, I called up a friend and skipped out of the house to go find food, my pizza now abandoned and cold in the microwave.
Another time I managed to leave my shoes at a party. In 30°F weather. I do remember that there a small amount of alcohol involved but, if I’m being honest with myself, there really is no excuse for that. The next morning I received a visit from a bemused acquaintance of mine with my shoes in hand.
The other day I made chocolate chip cookies. Without the chocolate chips.
Not too long ago, during my shift as a pizza delivery girl, I parked on a slight hill. In my hurry, I forgot about the emergency break (mind you, my car is manual). After dropping off the pizzas, I discovered that my car had set off on its own to find a new parking spot down the street. Wearing a shapeless pizza delivery uniform and dorky visor is embarrassing. Wearing a shapeless uniform and dorky visor while screaming and running after your runaway car is just plain sad.
As for the other examples, I have forgotten them at this time. However, if you, too, are a member of the severely absentminded or the desperately unmindful then I want you to know that I feel for you. Life is difficult enough without having to run back to the house every time you forget to turn off the oven.
Kelly Lynn Jackson is a recent grad from James Madison University, where she majored in English and Creative Writing. Having been thrown kicking and screaming into the real world, the slightly awkward 23-year-old has suddenly found herself unemployed, unprepared, and more than just a little lost. Armed with a sarcastic and self-deprecating sense of humor, a dwindling bank account, and (mostly) good intentions, Kelly tries her best at juggling relationships, internships and the humiliation of living at home with her parents, who still insist that she eat her veggies and go to bed at a decent time.